Looking back

Following your dreams takes courage. Yes, it does. Even more than I always I thought. I’ve been thinking a lot about my past lately, about the long road that has brought me here. I watched old acting projects of mine, and I remembered inhabiting that body. Much thinner and younger. I sure was naïve, and optimistic, and self-conscious. I remembered feeling fat and inadequate. Much like I feel now. So, not much has changed, I guess. No matter what size am I, I feel like I don’t measure up. I also criticized my acting skills and my accent. Those have changed for sure. At the end, I realized I’m my worst critic. I got in my own way. Two of those projects actually aired on TV, and yet I felt like a loser, a poser, another person in LA saying they were an actor with nothing to show for.

Except I did have something to show for, didn’t I? So, why was I so hard on myself? And why exactly did I stop auditioning? Was it fear? Was it the day job that ate up over three years of my life? Was self-consciousness? Was the voice of the naysayers too loud in my head? I guess in the end it was all of it. It’s not like it’s been any easier being a writer. It’s not like there’s no rejection or negative feedback or nasty attitude with writing. On the contrary, sometimes I feel people are harsher to writers then actors.

I knew it was hard enough to pursue one dream. I didn’t think there would be room for a second one. So I chose writing. But was it a choice out of fear? Is it safer to hide behind a computer than to put my face out there for the world to see?

I think I always felt that spending money on acting classes was somehow bad and wasteful and yet, I’ve spent (God, I’m afraid to say) close to ten thousand dollars in writing classes without even flinching. Well, I did flinch. Actually I sweated bullets each time wondering where I get the money to cover my other bills, but I still did it. I guess I always felt that I was less than noble for me to want to be an actor. Deep down I guess I thought it was just a secret desire to get attention. Like I spoiled child I had to be watched by all. Somehow, in my head it was more acceptable to be a writer. But I do wish I hadn’t been so hard on my young self, and had allowed me to see where acting could have taken me. I guess it’s a lesson learned. In my next lifetime, I hope I can learn to cope with myself.

Wanna watch me act? Click here.